those lousy days of summer

are now on.
Seriously, overall it was a pretty boring summer.
It needed a shake but not like this.
I am alone but completely alone now. He doesnt speak to me anymore and Im really really sad and upset.
I miss talking to him so much and feeling his presence eventhough he is thousands of miles away from me. But still at least we were speaking everyday. And now Im empty and cannot fill my life with anything else.
Everything seems boring and useless to me.
I even bought a packet of cigarettes,this is the only thing that helps to me now.
How desperate I am, oh God.
But its all my fucking fault!!!

my new life

A long- long time has passed since my last post. A lot of things happened...

I moved back home in april and continued my driving classes. It was really hard and I felt most of the time that I'm gonna fail, I can't do it, meanwhile my family, friends and my love also told me it's bullshit, I am capable of doing this. And guess what? Finally I did it! And this is one of those moments when I realize I am good at something. The day of my exam meant a lot to me. In the last 9-10 years I didn't give a shit about driving or having a car but things have changed and among other things I changed too.

Yes, that's right! I'm not the same person anymore. I guess by time I just lost many of my old characteristics, habits, hobbies and friends, as well.
Right now I cannot decide wether it's good or bad but I try to live with it anyway.
The funny part though is that I haven't realized most of these things until now.
It just happened at the weekend when I met Zsófi after a long period of time and we had a really nice talk about everything. She made me realize many thing, while I was listening to her life I just discovered the same feelings about mine.

The point is I tried to live the same life as 1-2 or 3 years ago and didn't accept the fact that I can't. I was very confused and sad but finally I can see the things clearly.
I got older and changed a lot, too. I lost some friends (but to tell the truth I believe they were never really my friends just some people to hang out with) and the things I liked to do before haven't satisfy me anymore.
A quick example, although I always went to concerts for the music not for the company, I started to feel alone there, so I just stopped going. Which doesn't mean that I don't like music and concerts anymore. It's just that my priorities have changed.

At present if I have to choose between going out and drink or stay in and watch a movie or read a book I pick the second one without any hesitation.
Honestly, this is the only thing I do now, stay in, read, watch movies, study languages and maybe look for a job as I'm unemployed for almost 3 months now. Though it was mainly my decision, in april I was driving, in may I spent my time with Georgi, visiting the touristic spots in Budapest, Győr and Balaton.
And here I am now, in June, 2 weeks passed since I finished my driving license, I cannot find a job in Hungary, I have to wait 2 more months to go back to Lanzarote. So I'm at home, sleeping until 11, watching movies, reading as much as I can, and do sports.

Yes, I almost forgot about it, which is one of the most important part of my day, doing sports. Before I couldn't imagine myself doing sports, but lately this is the thing which makes me the happiest, so everyday at least 1 hour I spend with exersises, cycling, etc.

So this is my new life, free of bustle, a cleared-out adult- like life.

17/2

Nothing is certain, only one thing I know for sure that I love him! He is the only thing here what keeps me sane. He is next to me all the time and even if he sometimes thinks that I do not want him to be there next to me I do want him!

I am 26, kind of don’t know what to do with my life, have a lot of plans but too scared too make them come true. So let’s just say that I’m just waiting for miracles to happen?!

Anyway, in the meantime I just can’t wait to be with him, all the time.
Although our relationship is weird I always think of this frase:

„Even if someone doesn't love you the way you think he should, this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all his heart."

I don't know who wrote this but certainly is true for our situation here. And really, what's the point in comparing our relationship with the previous ones.

 

Although, I have to admit that he does scare me sometimes when he says that we will marry and we will have children, too. Not just because it's too soon but because he is the first one who says such things like these to me. That's why it's so scary, because no one ever said this to me before. Because no one ever wanted to marry me, to have children with me or live with me for a very long time. Noone planned a future with me before. Not even Á. who was just too comfortable in our 3 and a half year long relationship as me, but never looked in front. And to be honest this whole thing scares me because sometimes I think that I will get dissappointed again.

What if he is not serious about us, at all?

What if he is just playing with my feelings?

But you know what? It does worth a try!

 

I am 26, I do want a good relationship which works and has a future. I don't want to start another one which is condemned to death and I end up suffering again.

I am in my late twenties, I have to live some more experience, hopefully good ones mostly, and I want to love and to be loved, too.

 

I always thought that there has to be a good reason for me to come back to Lanzarote again and again. The last time I thought it has to be L. but soon I had to realize that this was just an illusion, a walk on thin ice. It broke quite soon. Now I can say, thanks to Good, better sooner than later.

So, this time when I came back had no expectations at all. I just wanted to be back as I never wanted to leave at the first place.

 

I was watching him every day at work; his face, his hands, his gestures, his moves, his body...

And every night, after work I was suffering so much and Cristina had to listen to all my whinings. She was worried about me but she did her best and tried to help me. And what I did in exchange? I failed her as a friend, and she really was one of the good ones. 

She consoled me so many times and though I fucked her up  when Martina came back and he was with her again, I could count on no one else, but Cristina. She always tried to help me.

 

And now what? Martina is gone. Cristina and I don't speak anymore. We don't smoke shisha or listen to Mogwai or watch series together like Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls or New Girl.

Despite the fact that I got really annoyed by her living habits and changed rooms (mostly because I wanted to be with Georgi) I have to confess that I miss Cristina and her friendship.

I miss her because she was such a good friend, and before I got closer with Georgi, Cristina was the only really-really good friend I had here.

I don't mean to leave out Alíz from here but it's totally different. We know each other for 2 years now, we both are hungarians so we can speak about so many things. But here is the thing. Cristina was the only one here who could be one of us with her taste in music, films and clothing. She understood me and everything. I know this may sounds shallow but it isn't actually. Because these things matter to me a lot.

 

But by losing one friend, I gained another. As Georgi is just the same. Even if he is a guy, he gets everything, sometimes even more than I can imagine.

He sees the things so clear that it annoys me sometimes. He sees the real me and also the things I want to cover up. But the really good thing is that although he sees my imperfection he isn't scared to be with me, at all. And that is why I love him. Because he is not just my friend but so much more than that.

 

Why is it still better being alone?

Some facts about being alone is not that terrible.
I decided to share these things because I'm fed up with guys who think that they are much better than us, who don't appreciate us at all, and who just simply despise us.

First of all, if you are curious, I can tell you, I'm writing this post because there is one guy in particular, who makes me really angry at the moment.

Actually this guy made me think about myself a lot lately. So I started to make lists in my head , lists about my qualities, my weak points, my relationships with guys, friends and family members.

He asked me about my previous relationships. Firstly, I think what happened in the past, stays in the past and a guy who just appears in my life, doesn't have to know tini tiny details about my earlier love life, because it's simply not his business. But okay, if he is prying maybe I can share some details with him but this means that I completely trust in him and expect the same from his side, too.
Of course this is not the case, he distorts everything I say.

And the funny thing is that this guy really believes that we are a couple now, that we are together and we will get married, have children, and happily ever after. But no way!

What do guys thing? Really?!

I don't want a relationship with a guy like this. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where the other person doesn't appreciate me.
People who really know me (my family and my best friends) know that I have a really low self-esteem thanks to our 21st century's education sytem what doesn't help you to find yourself instead it bullies you. And it's not just the system but the people in it, many teachers and even the children are so cruel sometimes.

Anyway, after leaving the education system I tried to recuperate my lost personality.
But if one thing doesn't destroy you anymore, life gives you others to make you suffer, like guys and relationships.

I mean, why do we have to suffer that much from guys? We should live in happy relationships, have a lot of fun,etc. after all, this is our youth, if we don't enjoy every moment of it, we will regret it later.
But sometimes guys just make it so much more difficult.

A girl has to break to be in a relationship. And today I decided that I won't do it anymore. And why is that? Because I'm 26, I had several disfunctional relationship, I lost myself so many times, that I don't want to do it anymore, just because being alone is scary. Sure it can be frightening sometimes, but have to find the sunny part of it. Actually there are several advantages:

- I can do whatever I want, I mean, whatever, really
- I don't have to care about what others think
- I can devide my time and also can devote time to things I really want to do
- Do sports just because you feel much better after a healthy training
- Go to bed and wake up when you want to
- Sleep in big panties if you feel like it
- Spend a lot of time with your friends
- Plan your future and don't give up something just because of a relationship
- You can travel a lot
- Going out without a judgemental look from your boyfriend
- Listen to all kind of music you like
- Read a lot of books
- Have more spare time
- Which is the most important of all: don't waste any of your time to a guy who doesn't worth it!

And this is the bottom line, that being alone is not a terrible thing after all. You can devote your time to things which really matter to you.
And of course if you find the perfect guy this list won't exist anymore because that guy will give you space, will accept you the way you are and won't make you sad or dissappointed. And until, just try to enjoy yourself and your freedom because later it won't come back, either.

what this blog is about