17/2

Nothing is certain, only one thing I know for sure that I love him! He is the only thing here what keeps me sane. He is next to me all the time and even if he sometimes thinks that I do not want him to be there next to me I do want him!

I am 26, kind of don’t know what to do with my life, have a lot of plans but too scared too make them come true. So let’s just say that I’m just waiting for miracles to happen?!

Anyway, in the meantime I just can’t wait to be with him, all the time.
Although our relationship is weird I always think of this frase:

„Even if someone doesn't love you the way you think he should, this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all his heart."

I don't know who wrote this but certainly is true for our situation here. And really, what's the point in comparing our relationship with the previous ones.

 

Although, I have to admit that he does scare me sometimes when he says that we will marry and we will have children, too. Not just because it's too soon but because he is the first one who says such things like these to me. That's why it's so scary, because no one ever said this to me before. Because no one ever wanted to marry me, to have children with me or live with me for a very long time. Noone planned a future with me before. Not even Á. who was just too comfortable in our 3 and a half year long relationship as me, but never looked in front. And to be honest this whole thing scares me because sometimes I think that I will get dissappointed again.

What if he is not serious about us, at all?

What if he is just playing with my feelings?

But you know what? It does worth a try!

 

I am 26, I do want a good relationship which works and has a future. I don't want to start another one which is condemned to death and I end up suffering again.

I am in my late twenties, I have to live some more experience, hopefully good ones mostly, and I want to love and to be loved, too.

 

I always thought that there has to be a good reason for me to come back to Lanzarote again and again. The last time I thought it has to be L. but soon I had to realize that this was just an illusion, a walk on thin ice. It broke quite soon. Now I can say, thanks to Good, better sooner than later.

So, this time when I came back had no expectations at all. I just wanted to be back as I never wanted to leave at the first place.

 

I was watching him every day at work; his face, his hands, his gestures, his moves, his body...

And every night, after work I was suffering so much and Cristina had to listen to all my whinings. She was worried about me but she did her best and tried to help me. And what I did in exchange? I failed her as a friend, and she really was one of the good ones. 

She consoled me so many times and though I fucked her up  when Martina came back and he was with her again, I could count on no one else, but Cristina. She always tried to help me.

 

And now what? Martina is gone. Cristina and I don't speak anymore. We don't smoke shisha or listen to Mogwai or watch series together like Pretty Little Liars, Gilmore Girls or New Girl.

Despite the fact that I got really annoyed by her living habits and changed rooms (mostly because I wanted to be with Georgi) I have to confess that I miss Cristina and her friendship.

I miss her because she was such a good friend, and before I got closer with Georgi, Cristina was the only really-really good friend I had here.

I don't mean to leave out Alíz from here but it's totally different. We know each other for 2 years now, we both are hungarians so we can speak about so many things. But here is the thing. Cristina was the only one here who could be one of us with her taste in music, films and clothing. She understood me and everything. I know this may sounds shallow but it isn't actually. Because these things matter to me a lot.

 

But by losing one friend, I gained another. As Georgi is just the same. Even if he is a guy, he gets everything, sometimes even more than I can imagine.

He sees the things so clear that it annoys me sometimes. He sees the real me and also the things I want to cover up. But the really good thing is that although he sees my imperfection he isn't scared to be with me, at all. And that is why I love him. Because he is not just my friend but so much more than that.